Be My Friend

So here it goes I guess.. I just feel so fucking stuck and stressed out all the time. It just seems to get worse with every passing day.  It’s like I’m leading a double life and it’s because I really am. I want nothing more then to come out to my family it’s just a really sticky situation for a lot of reasons. I mean I’ve had a pretty colorful life so far and not in a good way either and you wouldn’t even know it unless I told you  because I’m a person who needs to keep moving  and not dwell to much on the past because it’s not changeable because If I don’t It will destroy me completely.  It’s just hard for me to be open with people because there was never really an open line of communication in my family so I still don’t  really ever know how to approach people in general so that‘s one of the reasons why I am weird and awkward sometimes . One of the reasons  I feel like I can’t come out yet is because  I don’t live with my mom, I live with my uncle and aunt and I really am not sure how they would react but I have heard them say Transphobic things before and comments towards lgb people. Plus I don’t want to feel like a bigger burden then I already am and have been for the past 6-7 years. So my only option with that is to move out which requires money, which means I need a job and I have been looking and filling out applications, then the whole trans issue comes up  and that’s stressful because you don’t always know how an employer will react to that or wait till I start my physical transition to come out to a job. Then there is my mom and I can’t come out to her or even stay with her because she lives with this woman and her family and my sister. Now it’s a whole complicated story that has a lot of different components as to why she lives there but that is the situation, so I am not exactly comfortable with coming out to her because it‘s not just her I am dealing with. Plus my mom has so many other problems to deal with and a lot of stuff has happened recently with  her and I just don’t want to put this on her and then have something happen to her or her not accept it and react badly because I have heard her make some Transphobic comments as well and I‘ve never really been sure as to how she will react to things because as weird as it sounds I know her but I don’t know her because of all the awkward positions she has put me and my sisters through all our lives. I mean I know she loves me but I just don’t know. See what people don’t realize is that I bottle up all my feelings because I would rather be helping other people I don’t see my problems as important as I see other peoples. So when I actually say something about how I am feeling it’s pretty damn important. I remember one time a couple years ago I reached out to my family for help because I have terrible social anxiety like It really does dictate a lot of my life, so I told them that I really need some help because I can’t feel like this all the time it’s not healthy. No one did anything though, like they thought I was being irrational it basically crushed me and I still have terrible social anxiety. So it’s hard for me to say anything to them. It just has become a major necessity that I have to come out to them soon  because I want to be me full time this double life shit just doesn’t work for me because then I have to figure out who I told ,who I didn’t, who is friends with my sisters, who can I trust not to tell and a whole list of other things because a lot of the time I just have a lot of really dark thoughts  that I just constantly suppress because there are people who I really care about  and I’m so glad I met them because  they really keep my head up even if they don’t know it and we haven’t been friends for very long I really love them and wouldn’t want to hurt them because I would like to believe they care about me to. Some times I just want to run away and just  start my physical transition or at least start T on something where the changes won’t be super fast so It would buy me a few months to figure it all out. I’m just really struggling bad with this because I have been out to actual people(even though most people still treat it as a joke and don’t respect me) for only a brief amount of time, but I have been out to myself for about 3 years. I’m just super depressed and  have to figure out my shit. Transitioning is just so important to me because I have never been so sure and confident about something in my life, I just have to figure it out because I‘m a 19 year old kid with no health insurance and no help at all but some how I always figure my stuff out . Idk this was just a lot of rambling  and just an ounce of what goes on in my mind. I just have a lot of fucking problems and I don’t expect much from people because all they can really say is dude that sucks cause there isn’t that much else to say I’m basically the only one that can change my life. I just constantly hold on to the hope that it’s going to get better that I will be able to make it better.